Gottwald’s Take on Gottman: Antidotes to the Four Horsemen, Pt. 2
Bridgette W. Gottwald LPC, NCC
Yep, I am still talking about marriage and relationships, and how to make them better. You may remember my last blog post, which was part one. It was about Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen and how they negatively affect relationships, particularly the marital one. On a more positive note, this blog will discuss how to avoid engaging in those negative behaviors and the antidotes to the Four Horsemen.
Gentle Start-Up (Instead of Criticizing)
Criticism is counteracted by beginning conversations with a “gentle start-up.” In doing this, we can talk about our feelings using “I statements” and express a positive need.
Here’s an example that may help you understand the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:
Complaint: “I felt really scared when you were running late, I knew you were driving, and you didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior affects others. I don’t think you forgot, you’re just selfish. You never think of others, me especially!”
Build a Culture of Appreciation (Instead of Contempt)
Being contempt involves attacking the other person’s character with the intent to harm them. Here’s an example to help you understand how negatively this can affect your relationship:
“Don’t even talk to me about being tired. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off with the kids all day long. Someone has to run this house and when you come home and flop down on the sofa, it’s so annoying. Could you be any more pathetic?”
Interestingly enough, when couples are contemptuous with each other, they are more likely to have weaker immune systems and suffer from infectious illnesses. Next time you want to behave with contempt towards your partner, remember that it is the “single greatest predictor of divorce.”
In order to reverse this, we can remind ourselves to “build a culture of appreciation.” To do this, remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.
Take Responsibly (Instead of being Defensive)
Defensiveness is avoided by “taking responsibility” for our actions. In order to do this, we can accept the perspective of our partner and offer an apology for wrongdoing. Although we are all likely pretty familiar with this one, here is an example:
Question: “Did you text Suzie and Jim to let them know that we aren’t able to make it tonight as you promised you would this morning?”
Defensive response: “I didn’t have a free second today. You know how busy I am – can’t you just do it?”
It makes complete sense to defend yourself if you are stressed out and feel attacked by the other person, but with a defensive response, you won’t get the desired effect. In this case, the partner responds defensively and then changes the direction of the blame in order to make it the other person’s fault. Here’s a more appropriate response:
“Oops, my bad. I totally forgot. I should have asked you this morning to take care of it because I knew how busy I was going to be today. That’s my fault and I will take care of it right now.”
Physiological Self-Soothing (Instead of Stonewalling)
In order to break the habit or desire to stonewall, it’s important that the person who is upset engages in “physiological self-soothing.” If you get the sense that you are stonewalling during a conversation of conflict with your partner, you can ask them to take a break. Here’s an effective example:
“I am feeling too angry to talk about this productively. Can we take a break and come back to this a little later? After I have calmed down, I think this will be easier to work through.”
Physiological self-soothing can be done by taking a break and spending time doing something that you enjoy, or that distracts you (ex: reading, taking a walk, going for a run, or doing anything that makes you feel less flooded).
Time to start re-evaluating how we speak to the ones we love the most, and take a gentler approach within our relationships. Good luck everyone!
References:
Lisitsa, E, (2013). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
Lisitsa, E, (2013). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/