Gottwald’s Take on Gottman. Pt. 1: The Four Horsemen
Bridgette W. Gottwald LPC, NCC
According to Dr. John Gottman, and his extensive research on marriage and relationships, the four biggest difficulties within relationships are referred to as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which is a metaphor that depicts the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death (respectively) – sounds like a bunch of negative things we don’t want to experience within a relationship or marriage, right?
These Four Horsemen are markers of relationship failure with 93% accuracy in predicting divorce. They can be counteracted by their antidotes, which are listed in parentheses:
Criticism (gentle start-up)
Contempt (build a culture of appreciation)
Defensiveness (take responsibility)
Stonewalling (physiological self-soothing)
It’s normal and healthy for couples to argue, but it’s how they behave and recover after that argument that actually makes a difference within the relationship. Healthy relationships typically do more to repair things when the Four Horsemen are used. In fact, I think it’s actually more concerning when couples don’t argue at all. It’s typical for couples to argue about the same things, over and over again, just in different ways or situations, with diverse triggers. In avoiding these Four Horsemen within your relationship, you will be able to connect and understand each other on a different level, while also feeling as if you are a part of the same “team.”
Criticism
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but criticism occurs when someone verbally attacks the other person’s personality or character. It’s like giving someone a negative opinion because they didn’t meet an expectation. It’s important to note that criticism is different from offering a gentle critique or voicing a complaint – because doing this is about specific issues, where criticizing is more about an attack on the person’s character. Criticizing someone can be harmful as it “dismantles their whole being.”
Contempt
When behaving with contempt, another person strives to attack the other person’s sense of self with the intent to abuse or insult. Acting with contempt is just flat out mean – treating others with disrespect, mocking them, using sarcastic language, calling them names, or using passive-aggressive body languages such as scoffing or eye-rolling. The function here is to make another person feel worthless and despised. Contempt takes criticism to an entirely different level and goes beyond it – while criticism attacks the other person’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
Defensiveness
Perhaps the most common, defensiveness occurs when an individual victimizes themselves in order to ward off a perceived attack or reverse the blame. Using defensiveness just shows our partner that we aren’t taking their concerns seriously, and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Typically, defensiveness further escalates conflict, especially if the person does not back down, take accountability, and apologize. Blaming your partner never allows for healthy conflict management.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive tactic in which an individual withdraws to avoid conflict and convey their disapproval with distance and separation. Typically, this happens in response to contempt. Stonewalling can be exhibited by “evasive maneuvers” such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or exhibiting obsessive or distracting behaviors. Stonewalling often occurs when we are feeling “physiologically flooded” (emotionally or mentally overwhelmed) and at this point, the person might not be in a place where they are able to discuss things rationally.
But There’s More…
Tired of hearing about all the negative things we do in relationships? Good, because now it’s time to focus on the positive ways to counteract these ineffective tactics. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen is essentially a first step to eliminating them. But that’s not enough, after recognizing them, you must replace them with healthy and productive patterns of behavior to drive away from the destructive communication and conflict patterns.
Check out my next blog post, which is part two to this one that depicts the antidotes to the Four Horsemen. As you can imagine, these antidotes have proven to be more effective ways of communicating and are more likely to deescalate the conflict.
References:
Lisitsa, E, (2013). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
Lisitsa, E, (2013). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/