I Wish We Were All Lettuce
Bridgette W. Gottwald LPC, NCC
At this point, you’re probably wondering what this blog is about, and why I decided to write about lettuce. Although I do love salad and gardening, there’s much more to it than that. This blog revolves around an inspiring quote by Tich Nhat Hanh that discusses the value of empathy and it reads as follows:
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it’s not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet, if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.”
It’s All Your Fault:
Humans love to blame. When something bad happens, the first thing anyone wants to know is who is at fault, who can I blame and where can the finger be pointed. Us humans would rather it be our own fault, than no one’s fault, because knowing gives us a sense of control. Blaming is the discharging of discomfort, anger, and pain and it has an inverse relationship with accountability, which by pure definition is a vulnerable process. People who blame often don’t have the tenacity or courage to hold people accountable, because most of their energy is wound up within the rage of figuring out who is at fault. We can’t listen when we are trying to make the connections as to who is at fault. So, forget the rage, and drop this process that is corrosive within relationships. When we listen and don’t force ourselves to make the blaming connection, we have the ability to understand – and that’s a powerful thing.
What’s the Difference Between Empathy, Compassion, and Sympathy:
Empathy is defined as someone having the capacity to comprehend or feel what another person is experiencing, but from that person’s frame of reference, not their own. It’s all about viewing things from the other person’s “visceral experience” and the thoughts and feelings involved, rather than from one’s own worldview. It’s having the ability to put oneself in another person’s position and imagine what it would be like for them.
Often, empathy is confused with compassion and sympathy. Empathy contrasts sympathy in that it removes the “emotional overlay” from the situation. Compassion, on the other hand, is an empathic understanding of another person’s point of view, followed by a “desire to act on that person’s behalf.”
How to Increase Empathy:
In order to show empathy, indicators that help us understand each other, such as body language, are necessary. Additionally, it may help to check in to see if we are correct in our own interpretation of another person’s feelings. When showing empathy, it’s important to take in the context of another person’s life, without imposing personal interpretations. “Self-oriented perspective-taking” (imagining yourself as you in their situation) as opposed to “other-oriented perspective-taking” (imagining yourself as the other person in their situation) makes quite the difference. Additionally, scientifically, “meditation has been shown to help cultivate brain states that increase empathy.”
If this all seems new to you, be patient with yourself because it’s complex. There’s no specific place within the brain that empathy occurs. Empathy utilizes neurological actions that are spread all throughout our brains, and a dozen different regions are used. In utilizing greater levels of empathy, it gives us the ability to connect and relate to others more effectively. We are all hardwired for connection, which is the energy that exists within people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. Maybe, just maybe, if we start treating each other more like lettuce, as opposed to constantly blaming each other, we will have more success in the long run.
References:
Segal, E. A., (2018). “Empathy Is More Than ‘I Hear You’” Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-empathy/201808/empathy-is-more-i-hear-you
What Is Empathy? (2020). Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/empathy