Good Grief, Part 1: Understanding the Loss of Loved Ones
BRIDGETTE W. GOTTWALD, LPC, NCC
This blog I am sharing with you today is a special one – yes indeed! Today, on his birthday, I dedicate this blog in memory of Bruce and the many people that loved him so deeply.
This blog is a series of two and part one will focus on grief, understanding the loss of loved ones, and how to wrap our heads around it. The second part will revolve around strategies that help us handle this earth-shattering and devastating experience.
Unfortunately, we are all subject to the whims of a randomly cruel universe. Whether it be a more “natural” death after ninety-five long years or a sudden and unexpected loss, they all hurt deeply in different ways. We become attached to the ones we love, and attachment is pain. However, unfortunately losing people and things we love are a part of life and the pain we suffer after they have gone is what shows us how important and meaningful they were to us.
Five Messy and Confusing Stages of Grief
Grief theorists in the early 20th century came up with these stages of grief in an attempt to describe the process. Although these stages are useful and effective, when they reach the broader society, they can be taken out of context or misapplied by ignorance. As you learn about the five stages of grief, recognize and understand that there is no “normal” process, or timetable for which people experience grief. Similarly, it’s perfectly “normal” to skip some of these stages entirely.
· Denial: “This can’t be happening to me”
· Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
· Bargaining: “Make this not happen and in return, I will __________”
· Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything”
· Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened”
Emotional Symptoms vs. Physical Symptoms
One of life’s biggest challenges and emotional tolls revolves around coping with the loss of someone or something you loved. Profound sadness has proven to be the most typical emotional symptom experienced with grief. Often people experience shock, disbelief, and guilt for things they did or didn’t do. Anger and resentment are common and people “feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to them.” It’s easy to point fingers and blame others in order to deal with the discomfort and stress. In turn, we discharge this discomfort and pain onto others by blaming them. A loved one passing away can cause people to wonder about their own mortality and fear facing life without that person, or the responsibilities they may have to face alone.
Although the emotional responses to grief are more common and well known, let’s not forget about the physical symptoms of grief that can affect people negatively. Often people who are suffering a loss experience fatigue, nausea, vomiting, weakened immune systems, weight loss or gain, aches, pains, and insomnia.
When it comes down to it, grief is really just love. It’s all the love that you wanted to give a person but is not able to give any more – all of a sudden that love outlet is cut off and it has no place to go anymore. Thus, the unspent love feels hollowing and comes out of the tear ducts as we release stress hormones in crying. We move on by embracing memories, keeping them within our lives in our own ways, and honoring them.
Grief and Love
At first, it feels like there is nothing we can do to alleviate the pain. Processing the loss of a loved one doesn’t happen right away. We become too preoccupied with our own sadness and deprivation. Typically, people tend to go over what’s been lost, how to deal with it, and what the future holds. Eventually, all the suffering turns into love. Once we have suffered deeply, we become more tenderhearted and compassionate to others. Because we realize how close we are all connected to one another, we become transparent in a way – and eventually, the light shines through us. This love becomes transferred to others, and we are able to illuminate those around us. In all of these realizations, we eventually come to terms with this love that has been forged out of sadness.
References:
Author Unknown. (2019). We Don’t Recover from Grief, And That’s Okay. What’s Your Grief? Retrieved from: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/
Smith, M., Robinson, L. & Segal, J. (2019). Coping with Grief and Loss. Help Guide: Your Trusted Guide to Mental Health & Wellness. Retrieved from: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm