Good Grief, Part 2: How to Handle the Loss of Loved Ones
BRIDGETTE W. GOTTWALD, LPC, NCC
So, grief is love? Hurting because a person is no longer with us is supposed to make me a more understanding and loving person? Sounds like a bunch of crap, right? This can be hard to wrap our heads around because many times all we can feel is pissed off that we aren’t able to remind the person we lost just how much we cared about them. So, without a doubt, all we have left to do is to focus on the good – the way that person enriched this earth during their time here.
Learning Healthy Ways to Cope
In dealing with a loss, the following actions are suggestions that can be taken to help life slowly but surely start to feel normal again.
· Acknowledge your pain
· Give yourself emotional support by taking care of yourself physically
· Accept and understand that grief can trigger many and unexpected emotions and physical symptoms
· Do not compare yourself to others and the way they may be grieving – everyone’s process is different
· Lean on loved ones or mental health professionals for support
· Allow yourself time to grieve your past, present, and future with that person
· Find positive ways to keep the loved one present in your life (ex: traditions, photos, sentimental memories, etc.)
Connecting to Others
Withdrawing from others and loved ones are one of the more maladaptive ways people respond to coping with a loss. Grief is tricky and sensitive - it’s hard to know the right things to say – and that’s because there really isn’t a right thing to say. In times of sadness, different kinds of people need various types of support. Don’t let this discomfort keep you from reaching out to others and being there in times of need. Instead, lean into that discomfort.
Recovering
In order to understand recovery in terms of grief, we have to know and clearly define what that word means to us. The Merriam-Webster dictionary refers to this word as “returning to a normal state of health, mind or strength.” Although things change with the loss of a loved one, they do eventually return to normal. However, we must understand that the loss, the person who passed away, and how we experience our grief becomes incorporated into how we live in and experience this world. Ideally, intense emotional feelings, stress, and distress related to the loss subside, but that person always keeps a special place within our hearts.
Understanding and accepting that we don’t have to “recover” from grief is crucial. Because that loved one was significant in your life, that love remains. A relevant quote from Sigmund Freud goes back to the basics with the root of grief stemming from someone who is so significant to us. As long as that person remains significant, grief will remain in various ways, but it’s what we decide to do with this grief and love that makes a difference within our lives and the lives of others. The quote reads as follows:
“Although we know that after such a loss, the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even it if be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually that is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish” – Sigmund Freud (1929).
Helpful and Healthy Things to Focus On
In honoring the beloved lost ones, I’ve personally found it helpful to think about what that person brought to this world while they were here. What positive aspects were they known for, and what will people miss the most about them? Now that’s a positive and powerful thing to focus on. Keep those positive qualities that your loved one displayed within your life, and spread it to the lives of those around you.
References:
Author Unknown. (2019). We Don’t Recover from Grief, And That’s Okay. What’s Your Grief? Retrieved from: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/
Smith, M., Robinson, L. & Segal, J. (2019). Coping with Grief and Loss. Help Guide: Your Trusted Guide to Mental Health & Wellness. Retrieved from: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm