Social Comparison and Responding to Others: Is the Grass Really Greener on the Other Side? Part II

Bridgette W. Gottwald, LPC, NCC

In picking up right where we left off in part one of this two-part blog series we are going to go back to the emotion of jealousy as a response to other people.

Jealousy is complicated – it’s not a singular emotion. It’s a “cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness and/or fear.” The poet Maya Angelou frames jealousy in a way that helps us understand it in the context of our relationships – “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”

“The core form of jealousy primarily involves threats to relationship rewards including loss of a loved one’s attention, affection, or resources to another.”

To distinguish envy from jealousy, you could ask yourself “Am I fearful of losing something I value to another person or do I want something someone else has?” If it’s the former, what can you do to develop and nourish the individual relationship that you maintain, outside of that person’s relationship with other people? If it’s the latter, how can you use this person as inspiration to get after what you want in life?

Resentment 

Resentment is defined as the “feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice.” We often feel this emotion when there is a failure to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down. Sometimes we base our expectations on what we can’t control, such as what other people think, what they feel or how they are going to react to us.

Watch Out for Schadenfreude!

This word is derived from the German words Schaden, which means harm, and Freude which means joy. Unfortunately, the “world is full of schadenfreude these days.” What it means is that someone experiences pleasure or joy out of someone else’s suffering or misfortune. Yikes! The closest word to this in the English language is “epicaricacy” which essentially is the same idea – taking fun in or getting pleasure from the misfortune of others. This is a tough emotion that stems from insecurity and according to Brown, “taking pleasure in someone else’s failings, even if that person is someone we really dislike, can violate our values and lead to feelings of guilt and shame.” With this emotion, where groupthink is often common, it’s important to remember that “nothing that celebrates the humiliation of pain of another person builds lasting connection.”

Freudenfreude

 Ending on a positive note, freudenfreude is the opposite of schadenfreude. It is the experience of gaining enjoyment from another person’s success and functions as a subset of empathy. Brown states that “Good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs - even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame.” The world would be a better place with more freudenfreude and less schadenfreude – no flame blower-outers. So, you might be wondering how one would engage in more freudenfreude and less schadenfreude. These two terms might help: 

1. Shoy – “intentionally sharing the joy of someone relating to a success story by showing interest and asking follow-up questions.” 

2. Bragitude – “intentionally tying words of gratitude toward the listener following discussion of personal successes.”

If you are interested in learning more about how to cope and deal with some of the difficult emotions mentioned in this article, call Symmetry Counseling today (312-578-9990) to be connected to one of our talented clinicians.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House Publishing.