Divided Americans and Couples Therapy: Reducing Conflict within Relationships, Pt. 2
Bridgette W. Gottwald LPC, NCC
In my last blog post (Pt.1), I discussed ways that Americans will be able to communicate more effectively by utilizing tactics that research and experience have proven to work within couples therapy when it comes to resolving conflict. You might remember that the first three steps revolve around understanding the other person’s perspective, confiding instead of attacking or avoiding, and making people feel safe in their decision to confide in you. The final two steps for productive conversations are listed below.
If Conversation Gets Hot, Take a Break
No matter how hard we try, sometimes we get triggered to a level where one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) comes into play. This concept states that within relationships, humans use these negative tactics when amidst conflict. One or both people become critical, defensive, contemptuous, or engage in stonewalling and go silent. Under these circumstances, it’s virtually impossible to consider the other person’s point of view. These negative ways of communicating can be counteracted by their antidotes, which are engaging in a gentle start-up in the discussion, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and physiological self-soothing.
It’s important to remember that people rarely modify their point of view when they are being yelled at, criticized, ignored, or dismissed. Agreeing to a “time out” gives both people a chance to cool off, and avoid saying things they don’t mean. However, there is a caveat, both people have to agree to resume the conversation at a different time –a “recovery conversation” if you will.
Don’t Slide; Decide
Sliders have much more difficulty in their relationships than deciders. For example, take a couple discussing moving in together where one is ready, and the other is not. It’s common for one partner to go along with the other person’s choice and keep quiet rather than having a difficult conversation about a difference of opinions. This reluctant significant other, who avoided a living situation argument might now experience high levels of both relationship and individual stress – which can lead to emotional distance. Although moving in together saves money and is more convenient, it might be premature for the state of the relationship itself. In discussing big decisions, it’s recommended that we take advantage of the strategies provided in steps one to four, rather than dancing around issues in order to avoid conflict or a stressful conversation. Maybe, just maybe, if you are able to have a difficult conversation while respecting one another, things can be slowed down before coming to a final decision, and you can effectively see things from the other person’s point of view. When starting conversations such as this, it might be helpful to view it as “this is a discussion, not a decision.” In tolerating and listening to each other respectfully, before making judgments or final conclusions, you will be able to actually discuss both points of view clearly. This has proven to work in couples therapy and it could help conversations to be more productive nationally (with politics), or other difficult conversations.
Although I do not have the answers on how to bridge political and cultural issues, I do know a thing or two about how to help two people reduce conflict within their relationships. Next time you find yourself struggling to get along with someone who seems to be set in their ways and have strong views, remembering these simple steps may help.
Reference:
Cowan, C. & Cowan, P. (2020). What America Can Learn from Couples Therapy: The Principles of Good Communication for Couples Could Also Apply to Divided Americans. Retrieved from: https:greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_america_can_learn_from_couples_therapy?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utmcampaign=ae6f3f9e16-EMAIL_Campaign_CG_Newsletter_Jan_30_2020&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-ae6f3f9e16-51000123